As a (possible) evil twin myself, I rather resent a lot of the “evil twin mania” going around on Facebook. Who’s your evil twin? Who is your historical evil twin? What is the best way to kill your evil twin?
Newsflash hotshot: If you’re trying to kill them, YOU are the evil twin.
So before I get to the obligatory quiz, let’s talk about this a little, try to clear up the misconceptions.
Not every twin is either good or evil. Normal twins are simply called … twins. It’s society that tries to lump and label things. Just because one of the twins likes to drown cats, eat feces, and stare menacingly at the other while they sleep does NOT make them evil. If it did, that vampire in Twilight would have been killed off in the first book, saving everyone a whole lot of time and money.
There are a couple of different ways that twins come about:
- They can be biological twins (or bio-twins, as I like to call them).
- They can be coincidental twins, or twins without a genetic heritage. Like if you just meet a dude on the street who looks just like you.
- They can be lost twins, where one of them becomes lost during early childhood (on an island, under the bed, locked in manacles in the basement, etc).
- They can be”twins” in the sense that they have dressed the same. This doesn’t really count, now, does it. That’s stupid.
- All left-handed people had a “normal” twin that they absorbed in the womb. The child born “left-handed” is in fact the evil twin born without their sibling. This is a scientific fact as to why lefties are evil. Google it.
Everyone knows that Oprah is an evil twin. But what about the rest of history. Are there any more examples?
- It is believed that Johnny Appleseed had an evil twin who made it his life’s work to follow Johnny around and urinate on trees. He thought this would kill the young sprouts, but it actually made them grow faster. Well, it also made them stink. This is where we get the term “bad seed”. It’s also a reason why a good portion of Washington State smells and is filled with cats
- George Washington had an evil twin who died as a child. He was hit by a branch from a falling cherry tree, and he never recovered.
- Ringo Starr is probably an evil twin. Or not. Maybe I just don’t like the guy.
So, without further ado, here’s a quiz to tell you who your evil twin is:
- It’s a Monday morning. You’ve just quit drinking coffee, started exercising, and got up before the sunrise. True or False: it’s a beautiful day. If True, shut up — I hate you and am completely jealous. You’re always smiling. Your evil twin is the Joker. If not, continue…
- The person you love doesn’t know you’re alive. You pine after them. If they were thrown on a bonfire, it would be somewhat unsettling. But not unsettling enough for you to get off your lazy butt and help. You’re Quasimodo. Confused? Read the book. I’m serious, read the book before someone gets burned alive. If not, continue….
- You’re a good drummer with great taste in music. It should’ve been you on that stage, soaking up that spotlight. But it wasn’t. Now all you have is the bottle and a bad job in the ad industry. Your evil twin is Ringo Starr. But then, you probably already knew that.
- You have super powers. You got them when <insert inciting incident here> happened, and you use them to fight for truth, justice, and the American (Canadian, European, etc) way. Your evil twin is a grotesque doppelganger of yourself created in a lab (or by dark magic, a gypsy curse, an alien scientist). If you haven’t met them yet, HIDE YOUR FREAKING HAIRBRUSH before your nemesis gets your DNA. (See posts related to “nemesis”).
- You’re left-handed. Or you have a goatee. Or you are grotesque. Or you’re Ringo Starr. Well, I have some bad news for you. You ARE the evil twin. Sorry if you didn’t know about it before.
I always find myself wondering what I’d do if I was walking down the street and met my twin. Would I be the “good” twin? The “evil” twin? How would I know? Would I have a sudden, overwhelming urge to take everything from them, their family, their job, their home? Would I feel an impelling need to murder them in the streets, just for existing?
Meh. I’m not so sure. Maybe that was the way things were a hundred years ago. But I don’t think it’s really necessary in today’s society. Maybe we could just share a Coke, have a fun fist-bump, and continue on our way.
Me: I met my twin today.
Wife: Oh? How’d that go.
Me: Okay. I don’t want to kill them or anything.
Wife: Good. So you’re not evil. Should we be expecting them to kill you?
Me: Well, we shared a Coke and a fist-bump.
Wife: What are you talking about Oscar? Are you sure you’re all right? You’re rather incoherent again.
I’d like to think that we’re all good to do what we want. Good, bad, we’re beyond the point where we have to murder each other just because bad tropes say so. That’s part of being American, right? Whether you’re left-handed, whether you sport a fearsome goatee, or EVEN if you’re a terrible hack of a drum player, we all get second chances. You don’t HAVE to succumb to evil. You can have an American dream of your very own. You know, spend all your time playing video games, beating your kids, ignoring your wife, racking up debt, and maintaining a massive arsenal of weapons (just in case). That doesn’t make you evil anymore — we’re all doing it!
Have a great weekend,