To: Assistant Steve
Regarding: New Facebook Meme — For Immediate Publication
You won’t believe this weird weight loss trick that will make the pounds LITERALLY fall off. It works for practically anybody, and it will SAVE YOU MONEY.
Basically, you just stop eating so many calories. <rim shot>
If that doesn’t work, speak to a nutritionist about a customized regimen of diet and exercise. Don’t believe the books, the shortcuts, the tricks. If they worked, the doctor would tell you so. And whatever you do, don’t give up! It’ll be hard, for sure, but the health benefits are worth it.
Regardless of who you are, where you are, and where you want to be, the ultimate goal should be to be happy with yourself. You are you and — until science gives us brain transplant technology — that isn’t going to change. Want to lose weight? Do it. Want to gain? Do it.
And if you’re happy with where you are? Great. I am happy with you too. Keep being awesome, internet.