What 80’s Movie are You? — A dialogue to my assistant


To:  Assistant Steve

From:  Me (come on, Steve, keep up, you’ve been working for me for years)

Regarding:  An Idea for a New Facebook Meme




I know you’re busy writing that book for me, inventing time travel, whatever, but I had a great idea.  Dictation time!

What 80’s movie are you?  A quiz for Facebook.  You’ll need to learn some new fangled computer code or something.  No complaining!  That’s why I hired you.  I know what you’re going to say, but before you argue that I’m not paying you, remember — I’m taking you with me, buddy.  You and me.  Bright lights, big city.  Fame.  Fortune.  All you have to do is shut your pie hole and turn my brilliant ideas into gold.

So we start with a graphic of the Pretty in Pink.  Make it that annoying redhead girl.  You know the one, right?  She looked funny, so girls could identify with her?  Not like nowadays, where the girls are actually attractive.  Kind of ironic, considering the name.

So the graphic lures people in, right?  Then the computer code starts.

“What 80’s Movie are You?  A quiz for you to share with your friends and send them to our website”

Hosted by:  Oscar Bernie’s Bookshelf (OscarBernie.com)

I’ll do my best to write the code too.  I’m that nice of a guy.  Just remember that when I’m up there, accepting the Hugo award, and I forget to mention you.


Line 10:  Are you a prostitute?  If yes, put up a graphic of Pretty Woman.  Maybe a picture of the races, where Julia Roberts meets the other horses.


20:  Have you ever traveled through time?  If yes….

–  Are you now, or have you ever been, a cyborg?  If yes:  Terminator

— Did you travel back in time to get a second chance with a high school fling?  Yes means Peggy Sue Got Married

–  Did you travel back in time to get a first chance with your mom?  Back to the Future, baby!

–  Did you return with a motley collection of historical figures in a bid to change the future to a wondrous utopia constructed entirely on the merits of bad 80’s rock music?  That movie with Keanu Reeves and Doctor Who.  Google it.


30:  Do you have daddy issues?  If yes and it’s a male, do Empire Strikes Back.  If they’re a girl, Dirty Dancing.  Patrick Swayze would make an EXCELLENT 80’s dad!  And I had a girlfriend who loved that movie and she. Was. A. Freak.


40:  Do you like pirates?  Goonies.  Are you a pirate?  Princess Bride.


<Note:  This is where the algorithm gets a little … difficult>


50:  Are you a muppet?  The Muppet Movie.  A childlike muppet?  Follow that Bird.  A creepy loner muppet?  Labyrinth.  Sick of all the stupid muppet puppets?  Little Shop of Horrors.


60:  Are you a hobo?  Trick question … hobos aren’t on Facebook.


70:  Have you ever ever loved then lost, then still loved.  Then kind of went all stalker-y, followed her home, and held a blaring boombox over your head in some demand for attention with every intent to kidnap her and lock her in a basement wearing a suit of human skin, kept oiled and supple with a profuse amount of lotion?  Either Say Anything or Silence of the Lambs.  Use a random number generator.


80:  Are you a dinosaur.  If yes, Google a dinosaur movie from the 80’s that IS NOT The Land Before Time.  I still have nightmares about Ducky, and I don’t need a reminder.


90:  Are you a fighter pilot with really slippery socks?  Risky Business.


100:  This is the genius programming bit.  If the algorithm hasn’t already selected a movie for them, it will default to Breakfast Club.  Everybody loves that movie, right?  There’s something we can all identify with in the loveable jock, the loveable loner, the loveable goth chick, the loveable nerd.  Pretty much everybody except for the ugly girl from Pretty in Pink and Ducky.


Have it done by Friday, mmm-kay?  I have stuff to do, and our site’s only ever had four hits.  Which is weird, because I’ve updated it at least four times.  We have to be ready when that novel hits.

PS:  Again, don’t put Ducky in the stupid thing.




PSS:  Nevermind, you can use Ducky if you want.  I already feel the nightmares coming on….

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