My New Diet — Chocolate Mint Crest Toothpaste

WPTV-ChocolateFlavoredToothpaste_20140129065322_640_480A delicious dessert? Or total mouthgarbage?

Be Adventurous — that’s the name of the game with Crest’s new toothpaste. And, repeating the name as if it was my new mantra, I twist off the top of the tube. How bad can it be? Chocolate and mint goodness, straight from a tube? What a lovely way to end the day, right? I turn on the water and half-cringe at a long lost memory of chocolate gum. What had I gotten myself into? I mean, really, toothpaste IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHOCOLATE, and I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason for it.

I squeeze onto my crusty old Sonicare and shudder at the smell. So chocolatey and inviting. But it’s toothpaste, right? My right arm goes into a bit of a stress tremor as I put the brush into my mouth.

And it’s a good thing that my mouth can’t scream! Because it totally would.

You see, I wasn’t ready. You won’t be ready either, dear reader, and there’s nothing I can do to prepare you for what’s coming at you. I could say that it tastes like chocolate chip mint ice cream. And I wouldn’t be lying. I could say that it is much better tasting than you can imagine. I can say that it is one of the mildest, most pleasant toothpastes ever. And you might believe me. But here’s the crux:  toothpaste isn’t supposed to taste good.

When toothpaste was invented, I’m pretty sure the goal was to discourage you to eat any more food. The flavor was so loud, the artificial sweeteners so obnoxious, that you wouldn’t put anything else in your mouth for a good long while. You know that one coworker who won’t shut up? You know, the super socially awkward one? You mention their pet topic, the only one they think they can relate to actual human beings on, and it’s nighttime by the time you can drag yourself back to your cubicle for lunch? That’s what toothpaste is MEANT to be. Pretty much a punishment. No pain no gain, right?

Toothpaste should have eyes. It should stare at you menacingly. You want clean teeth buddy? You have to put up with me. Toothpaste isn’t your best friend — it’s the personal care version of the playground bully. You can’t have your toothpaste and eat it too.

Except … now you can. This new chocolate concoction is soft where toothpaste should be menacing. It leaves you with a pleasant taste, instead of turning taste buds into the mouth-ular equivalent of brain-freeze. It is mild and pleasant and … dare I say … tasty.

So, yeah, I have a problem. Instead of chocolate, I’m addicted to Be Adventurous toothpaste. And though I’m gaining a little weight, at least my mouth is fresh.

If my mouth could scream, it totally would. It would tell you to buy the toothpaste, to Be Adventurous. It would want to tell you to brush your teeth as well, but that would pretty much be implied.

Have a nice day!

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *